Marinated mummy

It smelled like a teriyaki. That seemed weird, because, in theory, I was supposed to be standing at a crime scene where someone committed a bunch of horrible murders, as they told me when they dragged me from a pub, drove me in a car to shore near the port... and then I was forced to enter the city sewers.

And finally, I was standing in a cave connected to a sewer system. I've noticed holes in the ceiling that were probably leading out to the openings in the cliff above us because the air inside was dry and mostly clean, although contaminated by the smell from the sewers... and full of teriyaki and a smell of aging meat.

“One of the sewer workers noticed a strange place in the wall, when he pushed it, the wall opened and he found this.” One of the detectives was filling me in while I was looking around, scratching my head and using my nose. “He instantly ran for the phone. What do you think, lieutenant? It must be ghouls, am I right?

It looked more like mummies, although suspiciously fresh. There were several humanoid bodies completely wrapped in mostly clean bandages, hanging upside down from the hooks in the cave ceiling, hands tied in front of them so it looked a bit like they were praying, only upside down.

The guys from the forensics already took one body down and they were examining it carefully.

“We have at least five victims.” The detective was intent on impressing me with his skills. “We have some wild ghouls in the city who are using this place to store bodies.”

“I still think this must be some cult.” The doctor from the forensic team stood up and stared glumly at tweezers holding a piece of meat. “Ghouls prefer ripe bodies. This smells weird, but it can't be older than a week.”

I stepped next to him and sniffed at the piece of meat. The doctor frowned at me and made a disgusted grimace.

The detectives inside the cave were arguing about who and why, but I ignored them. I walked around and sniffed at all the hanging bodies. I thought I know what was going on from the moment I smelled the piece of meat the doctor removed from a body. But I needed to be sure.

“Can you track them by their scent, sir?” The diligent asshole was still following me around.

“There's no need,” I growled. “There are a few ghouls who are working in the sewer service...”

“I knew it! Ghouls! I can smell them!”

I stopped him at once. “What you smell is the shit, detective. The shit from the sewers. Call the archives and get names of all... well... dammit... I don't know, I think it's seven hundred fifteen, ask them. I know there are some here, and one or more of them are moonlighting as delicacies providers.”

“They generally keep their heads down.”

My, in theory, partner, showed up, and she almost managed to sneak up on me again. I'll have to remind her what might happen if she succeeds one day...

“I guess one of them just decided to have a good old-fashioned ghoul meal and he's waiting for them to be ripe.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.” I tapped the nearest mummified body with my finger and added: “This one will need at least a month before I'd be willing to take a bite.”

That innocent remark surprised all of them. They stopped talking about the best way to get all the ghouls who decided to abandon modern civilization and looked at me.

I knelt next to the mummy on the ground, pulled my knife, and slashed at the bandages holding hands together.

“Wait a moment, lieutenant, what are you doing?” The doctor was protesting.

“You've dragged me out of the pub, after my shift, for complete bullshit. And since I'm here, I want to take a bite,” I told him and tore one arm off.

They were all staring at me numbly.

I pulled away the bandages and took a bite.

Teriyaki. I prefer pepper and honey, but teriyaki is not bad.

The doctor threw up. Well... this delicacy is a sort of acquired taste for most people, but that was a bit excessive reaction just because I ate a bit of fermented dried meat.

I took another bite and swallowed it. Pretty good.

“This one is almost done. Could use a few more days, but it's good enough. Those ghouls are going to be pissed that we found this. But that's their fault, they shouldn't have done it illegally. Because, correct me if I'm wrong, we have some laws regarding foodstuffs right? Hygiene and so on. There's even a special department for it... yeah, there is. Call them and hand it to them.

“Sir!” Even my partner was looking... disgusted.

“What? You, of all people, as a damn vampire, should show a bit of understanding for poor monsters who want to eat well.”

She bared her teeth at me.

“I can still smell your dinner on your breath. That muck you mix from the pig blood, red wine, and tomatoes. A meat that's still a bit raw? What's wrong with you? It's pretty good, here, have a bite.”

I took a last bite from the mummified arm and offered it around. When nobody took me up on my offer, I threw it down on the rest of the body.

“You're either hypocrites or idiots,” I told them. “The vegans are making a chicken, whole chicken, out of soy, so they can grill something, they even make strips of soy bacon. The vamps are creating complicated mixes that resemble the taste of human blood. Why are you so disgusted when poor ghouls want a mummy?”

They were idiots... I had to explain it, plainly and simply.

“This is pork, you idiots. Pork marinated in teriyaki, wrapped around wooden bones, and left hanging to dry in a cave with fresh salty air.”